Why you keep attracting crap relationships
(and how to stop it!)
Have you ever found yourself standing with the fridge door open and your mouth full of chocolate, despite having sworn to yourself you weren’t going to have any until the weekend? Or you signed up to the gym full of good intentions to get fit and paid your 3 month membership, only to go once and never return? How about finding yourself in yet another dud relationship, swearing to yourself the next one will be different, only to attract the exact same kind of dysfunctional mess again?
These kind of battles can leave us despairing. Making a decision with our minds; thinking, wishing, hoping and madly repeating affirmations wanting to create a new outcome, only to have some mysterious force sweep it away over and over again can make you feel like a failure. But you are not a failure. You just need to know your behaviour is driven not by your mind and what you THINK you WANT, but by your subconscious and what it BELIEVES you NEED. And these two things can be vastly different.
Let me explain.
I want you to imagine you are standing on an iceberg. From here it looks like you are standing on something that is floating on top of the ocean. It looks seperate from the ocean and something all of it’s own. But in reality if you’re able to go below the surface you’d see that the vast majority of the iceberg is below the surface. And it’s how this submerged part moves through the ocean that determines where the tip above the surface travels.
So let’s imagine that the tip of the iceberg is your conscious mind. That part of you reading this article right now. It’s your thinking self. It’s the level of your consciousness right up on the surface that can think logically and rationally. It can be creative. It understands time in terms of past, present and future. It’s really awesome but it’s limited. It can only focus on one or two things at once. Kids are screaming, someone knocks on the door and all of a sudden dinner’s burnt on the stove. When that third thing comes into your mind to juggle the first thing often gets dropped.
Do you remember when you first learnt to drive a car? You had to concentrate so hard on the clutch and the gears and steering straight and checking your mirrors and you’re like “DON’T TALK TO ME I’M CONCENTRATING!” It took every ounce of your conscious mind to focus on what you were doing to make it work. Think about now. Have you ever driven home, pulled into the driveway and thought “My goodness! How’d I get here?” You can’t remember driving at all because your conscious mind was busy thinking about something else. What happened? Your subconscious took over. Your subconscious has a program that it has learnt from repetition and habit so that when you’re doing something familiar - driving home down familiar streets - the conscious mind can get distracted and the subconscious mind will step in.
If we go back to our iceberg analogy the subconscious mind is the vast majority of the iceberg submerged under water out of sight and out of mind. It’s what is carrying you through life. Your conscious mind is on top experiencing the ride but your subconscious is driving the show. And unlike the conscious mind your subconscious cannot think logically or rationally. It can’t tell the difference between past and present. It is just full of automatic programs that kick in whenever triggered.
It’s a fantastic mechanism. There are millions of programs in your subconscious like walking and talking that you’ve learnt and don’t have to actively think about any more like when you were first learning them. However we all have a number of sabotaging programs, or limiting beliefs, that negatively influence our lives. We take on the majority of our programs in early childhood. Between the ages of two and approximately seven we are in a nearly permanent subconscious brainwave state. This is why young children can learn so much so quickly. However as well as language, walking, eating etc you’re also learning about relationships and your place in the world. Your value and worth. How men behave, how women behave. If, for example, you were exposed to relationships where men disrespected women you may have formed a subconscious belief that says “Men disrespect women”. Then as an adult you may find yourself attracted to men who have the matching belief that “Men disrespect women”. Thus finding yourself repeating a cycle of crap relationships and somehow never finding the ‘nice guys’ attractive. Your subconscious would actually feel repelled by them because they don’t fit your program of how men behave. It doesn’t matter how much your conscious mind may want something different, until you reprogram your subconscious you just won’t be attracted to the right kind of guy.
As well as early childhood programs, we also get our subconscious programming from inherited family patterns, habit and repetition (learning to drive) and times of shock and trauma that can create debilitating programs in a subconscious effort to avoid that unsafe experience happening again.
Changing these sabotaging programs means changing the subconscious. And you can’t change the subconscious with your conscious mind. To reprogram the subconscious you need different tools. This is how therapies like kinesiology and hypnotherapy work. People have profound shifts in their perceptions and behaviour after single sessions using these modalities because it’s the subconscious they’re shifting. Meditation also allows you to sink below the level of the conscious mind and access the subconscious, which is where guided visualisation meditation can help you uncover and heal parts of yourself your conscious mind didn’t realise were there.
So where do you have subconscious programs running in your life? And what might look different for you if you were to switch those limiting beliefs for empowering beliefs?
If you've got an answer for that first question and the answer to the second question sounds AWESOME then it's time for you to get to work cleaning up your subconscious. Find a good holistic kinesiologist or regressive hypnotherapist. We can work with you via Skype or FaceTime if you want to work with us. We also have an online meditation course called The Soul Adventure which is a 12 part series designed to help you explore and heal your subconscious and superconscious (higher self). Go to the homepage of this website to find out more!